I felt like Hannah unable to clearly speak at times, as my tears were caught in my throat and released painfully in sobs.
Father, Where is the joy? I don't mean put- a -smile- on- your -face- for- the -masses joy. I mean true, coming from the well of the spirit, joy.
I did not realize that I have been for some time going through the motions. Doing the right thing, or more like forcing myself to do the right thing; because of the pressure of all the watching eyes. I don't want to fail. I don't want to fail. I don't want to fail.
Talk about pressure.
I've heard it say that "feeling" is not a prerequisite for joy, but Father, I asked, is that wrong to want to feel it. I want to feel joy. I want to be a joy-filled mother. I want to wash dishes with joy, and do laundry with joy, and pick up with joy, and discipline with joy. Is that too much to ask?
I truly want to be joy-filled. The joy of the Lord is my strength. And yes, I wrote a post a month ago or so about finding the strength in joy, and finding joy in the moments that don't seem joy-ful.
You know what? I want more. I don't want to force joy, I want joy be be a outgrowth of the work of the Spirit in me.
I blew my nose.
Then it came to me. What does bring me joy?
When I sing, joy wells up in me from my belly. And when I sing in ministry to God's people it triples- this joy of the Lord.
Suddenly my spirit is flooded with verses of scripture of singing. I grab the bible in front of me. I am excited about what God is speaking to me.
I open the bible and my eyes plant on Psalm 142. How fitting. It put my "right now" into words as perfectly as if I had written them.
With my voice to the Lord I make my supplication.
2 I pour out my complaint before Him;
I declare before Him my trouble.
Then You knew my path.
In the way in which I walk
I said, “You are my refuge,
My portion in the land of the living.
6 Attend to my cry,
For I am brought very low;
Deliver me from my persecutors,
For they are stronger than I.
7 Bring my soul out of prison,
That I may praise Your name;
The righteous shall surround me,
For You shall deal bountifully with me.”
And His praise in the assembly of saints.
Let the children of Zion be joyful in their King.
3 Let them praise His name with the dance;
Let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp.
4 For the Lord takes pleasure in His people;
He will beautify the humble with salvation.
Let them sing aloud on their beds.
6 Let the high praises of God be in their mouth,
And a two-edged sword in their hand,
So the seven dwarves had something going there when they sang "whistle while you work". I will sing, sing for joy, and find strength in that joy. And we don't need to sing like a pro: ) Sing unto the Lord! Amen!
O come Let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation... Psalm 95:1
I will sing of mercy and judgement:unto thee O Lord will I sing.- Psalm 101:1
Warmest thought s and prayers,