Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Learning Love: The Marriage Cycle



Hello Sharecroppers. It's been a while I know.
When you are a bi-vocational momma ( that's redundant isn't it?since the word "mom" denotes multi-vocational, but I digress)....
  As it goes, I was super busy doing multiple jobs and going back to school. Talk about a full plate.
So the blogging took a little break.

In the meant time I have been writing music, juggling a full schedule, and trying to keep my head from exploding.
I have also been doing my best at nurturing my marriage in the middle of it all.

Aww, marriage.

"When two become One" by Mr. Peruca

It would imply an age of merriment - you know, merry age? ( ba-da-chh!)
But on a serious note,  experience proves it's not an "age" at all. It's more like a series of phases. Marriage can not be learned in a class. It's on-the-job learning at its finest. Marriage employs  learning love, and teaching love- and highest of all-  God love.

Amidst the learning and teaching there is a cycle I have observed in 15 years of marriage. Here is my take on what the " marriage cycle" looks like:

Phase one- Happiness, warmth "Oh my gosh I'm so in love",
Phase two- Contentment.  "I wish this moment could last forever", etc.
But Then an action or verbal event triggers
Phase three - discontentment about something, "Wow I never knew he/she/I _____."
Followed by
 Phase four- a period of questioning. "Does this mean___" " Who did I marry?" "Can I accept that?"
Phase five- the period of confrontation and frustration as two try to understand the other, and try to get the other to understand them.
Then that period goes into
Phase six- a period of contemplation. The fight/argument/discussion comes to a head and both parties feel at a loss. They don't want to keep arguing as it is getting nowhere, and just going in circles. During this phase, a mental analysis of self, the other, the situation, the state of the marriage- past present and future- take place.
After this phase it goes back to
Phase seven- confrontation. "OK I had time to think about what you said...."
Phase eight- understanding, then
Phase nine-compromise. I like to call this co-promises. Rather than thinking about what I am losing, think about it like It's promises you make to yourself and each other regarding working toward the a harmonious resolution.
This then cycles back to
Phase ten- contentment and
back to
Phase one- happiness.

The unique thing is this cycle can span a day, a week, a month, or a year, maybe more. But I can guarantee, you ask any couple married for more than a year, they can attest to the cycle.

It would be nice if we could have the " Hallmark " movie moment all the time, but real life and  different people don't make for sappy, predictable TV.

The truth is God is prepared for every phase and season of our daily lives. This is why he has granted and curated new mercies unique to each of our days.

by Mr. Peruca
The joy of marriage is that once you had had enough tense discussions and heated arguments, you can face them with positivity knowing that you'll be back at One.

Now to single out one phase, eight is possibly the most challenging. Phase eight forces you to really empathize with your spouse and go beyond feeling what they are feeling. It puts you into understanding what motivates the feeling they are experiencing.
Yes- you must get to truly know them. This is where the past comes out in the open, and when the present collides with prior selves. This is when you realize your spouse used to be afraid of the dark, so the TV on in the bedroom is soothing even though for you it's unnerving.  Or they experienced a mental trauma at age six with a family pet that they forgot about until you decided you guys needed a cute terrier. This is when you realize they were bullied in elementary school and going a different way home every day is a conditioned protective measure, not, as you presumed, a spontaneous act of adventure. Understanding is easily the phase that requires the most patience, yet it is where the most love learning takes place.

Understanding can not be skipped. If it is, phase one will be superficial, causing a break down in contentment. As the years go by and each phase cycles completely and healthily, phase one and two are experienced for longer and longer periods, until there is nothing left to question except death's parting. And even that, if your life was lived for the master, will pose no questions, but rather a statement at the end of it all
"Well done".