The Un-Nesting
"Why does this keep coming up?!" I sat crouched on the floor with my hands on either side of me balled in fists. I thumped the floor with my fists and gave in to tears that stung too long and couldn't be held back any longer. The pool of salt that gathered in my eyelids overflowed, landing heavy teardrops onto the pages of scripture below me. I yelled toward the ceiling, with my face lifted, and gasped for breath between sobs. "Why, Jesus?! I am trying. I am choosing to be humble, I am choosing to serve, I am choosing against the will of my flesh to be mentally stronger, but I keep getting the message that I'm not measuring up. And I'm tired." And in that moment I no longer wanted to pray. I felt forsaken and alone. I've prayed this before to seemingly no avail. So I didn't want to pray anymore. For with all of my doing over the years I still wrestled with a heart change. I do the humble things, while inside I wrestle with selfishness. I serve
