The Un-Nesting

 "Why does this keep coming up?!"

I sat crouched on the floor with my hands on either side of me balled in fists. I thumped the floor with my fists and gave in to tears that stung too long and couldn't be held back any longer. The pool of salt that gathered in my eyelids overflowed, landing heavy teardrops onto the pages of scripture below me.

I yelled toward the ceiling, with my face lifted, and gasped for breath between sobs. 

"Why, Jesus?! I am trying. I am choosing to be humble, I am choosing to serve, I am choosing against the will of my flesh to be mentally stronger, but I keep getting the message that I'm not measuring up. And I'm tired."

And in that moment I no longer wanted to pray. I felt forsaken and alone. I've prayed this before to seemingly no avail. So I didn't want to pray anymore. 

For with all of my doing over the years I still wrestled with a heart change. I do the humble things, while inside I wrestle with selfishness. I serve while inside I wrestle with stubbornness. I painfully submit to criticism while inside I wrestle with resentment and bitterness. All of the doing and all of the praying seemed to me to amount to nothing. It continued to prove to be not enough. 

What am I missing?......

The cursor on the page blinks naggingly as I write this, waiting for an answer. And that makes two of us. I am also waiting for the answer.

Then--

In my heart the Word of God whispers

...“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 2:19

 and yet again

... Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. Zechariah 4:6

So that's it?

My will power, even over the longest period of time, and with the best of intentions will not produce a heart change. 
Only the Spirit of God, which is breathed in the Word of God, can transform my mind and renew my heart. Only then can I walk in humility, serve, and submit to truth--by the power of the Holy Ghost. 

And it's the Spirit of Jesus, like the eagle pulling the soft things out the nest to provoke the eaglets to fly,  that is allowing my weaknesses to be constantly targeted to get my attention to evaluate my heart.

I must start now. I am going to lean on the grace of God. I am going to call on his name and request his grace to help when I'm leaning more into the flesh than the Spirit.